Cast Your Memory Back
by supernaturalsammy67
Summary: Sam can't handle Dean going to hell for him, Dean can't handle someone who actually cares...Angst, Limp, drabble, fluff. Memories through-out their life they'll never forget
1. Mountains

**Okay...this is pretty new...or under the depth Me thinks...but, it's inspired by an awesome friend, Courts cos she can damn write anything, and by the fabulous Song **

**Moutains By Biffy Clyro- thats just the first song...**

**there is more, i'll let you guys know what they are.**

**Hope you guys like these chappies, no idea how many I can pull out of my head, but there a bit of a mix, not really follow-ons just memories**

**Warning: Angst, tearjerky I guess, violence and their in a pretty deep dark place here in season 3, their both feeling it...and swearing, :)**

**Disclaimer: nahh I do not own em...as long as I have breath in my lungs and a beat to my heart i'll only ever obsess over them...sigh**

**Summary: Sam can't handle Dean going to hell for him, Dean can't handle someone who actually cares...Angst, Limp, drabble, fluff...song fic's on each chapter, there all a bit different, depending on the songs...they look back at memories that can never be refilled...**

**No spoilers, unless you count before the season 3 finale...if you haven't seen, don't read unless you want to, I'm not getting flamed!**

**jeeesh**

**Thanks, on with. Chapter one Mountains...**

**Cast Your Memory Back**

_I took a bite out of a mountain range, thought my teeth would break the mountains down._

_Lets go, I want to go all the way to the horizon._

" I wanna' gooooo...pleeease Deany...pretty please...why can't we just go to the fair, look at the pretty colours...and all the fun rides..."

A five year old Sam grumbled from his spot in the back of the Impala, next to Dean.

"I already told ya Sammy...dad said we couldn't leave the car, he's working and he does't want you to get hurt"

Sam pouted his lower lip, shaking it up at his taller brother, already a mop of hair tickled over Sam's eye's, shaping his face making him look younger.

Dean shook his head, a sad chuckle forming on his lips.

"Dad's working over there, we promised to stay put"

"But...dad won't mind if we have a little fun...pleeease Dean...I promise not to get chocolate on your comic book's again...I mean it" Sam's face was a picture of pleas and begs, but they didn't bounce right off the elder hunter, Dean knew of Sammy's fears and he knew their dad was afraid too, afraid because kids were being taken and around Sam's age, John had left them well within a safety circle in the chevy, even with the brightly lit fair in view, Dean knew of the dangers.

But Sam didn't

Not yet.

He was still too innoccent to understand what went bump in the night, and Dean wanted it to remain that way.

"Nah Sammy, c'mon it's almost your bedtime, take a nap and when you wake up, I promise we'll go to the fair..." Dean winked and Sam's smile even at five beamed up at him.

Resting into a more comfy posistion, Sam laid his head on Dean's lap and closed dark brown lashes with a sleep sigh, freckles dotted and faded around his small face.

Dean looked out into the night, wishing their dad back, wishing him safe.

_I took a drink out of the ocean and I'm treading water there before I drown._

_Lets dive, I want to dive to the bottom of the ocean._

Sam dreamt of sea breeze and bright coloured sand castles along an endless stretch of beach, he could feel the sun on his face, hear the splash and splosh of fish diving out of the sea, Sam giggled behind his hand as he saw birds fly above him, summer-salting in the air and ducking in and out of winding loops around each other.

They each left a wave of colour in their wake of blues and browns and Sam stared up in awe.

The sky started to dot green and spread until almost zoom-in's of Dean's eye's looked down at Sam.

"Hey kiddo' you okay there...?" Dean smiled, helping Sam sit up.

"D-ean...? Deeaan!" Sam shot up, fatique almost vanishing as he jumped on the back seats. "CAN WE GO TO THE FAIR...PLEEEASE!" Sam jumped.

"Now Sammy...I promised we'd go to the fair...I never said this one..." Dean winked with a devilish smile and grabbed Sam by the belly, tickling him as Sam shrieked in delight.

"So...not this fair...?" Sam asked, eye's imploring.

"Well...turn around and close your eye's, i'll be back in just a minute..."

When Sam heard the car door shut his tiny toddler heart leapt into his throat with a whimper.

"No...Dean..." Sam's palms faced the window as he watched Dean eaten up in a late night crowd outside the tent opening of the entrance to the fair.

Tears formed in Sam's eyes and he slumped down the window, onto the seat.

"Daddy said not to leave...but Dean's gone...Dean l-left m-me..." Sam hiccuped a sob and scrubbed small fists into his eye's when he heard the car shake and the creak of leather in the front, moving away his small hands, Sam's red-rimmed eye's opened on his dad and Dean turned to face him in the seats.

"Sammy...? you okay buddy?" John asked, frowning slightly.

Sam flicked toward Dean then his dad, tears patting onto his legs.

" I thought...you'd left me...a-a-and you'd g-g-gone..." Sam sniffed.

John's heart broke for his youngest and Dean scooched back over into the back seat with Sam.

_I took a ride, I took a ride, I wouldn't go there without you._

_Lets take a ride, we'll take a ride. I wouldn't leave here without you._

"I'd never leave without you Sammy...never" Dean held him close.

John leaned over and rubbed Sam's shoulder, smiling down at his youngest. "I promise Sammy, we'll never leave without you. Now lets take a ride..." He smiled.

Sam sniffed again and leant onto his brother.

John passed a large brown paper bag over to Dean, then started the engine and pulled out.

"Told you we'd go to the fair..." Dean pulled out a large bag of cotton candy and gummy worms, as well as some stuffed toys from the prize draws.

"Even if it is in the car..." John winked from the rear-view mirror.

Sam's giggle and pearly smile will never leave Dean's memory, nor will the blush to their father cheeks when he smiled...really smiled for the first time since Mary.

**TBC...**

**next chappy, new song...:D**

**love to know what ya think!!**

**thank you**


	2. Vindicated

**OKay..this is chappy two...:D**

**Hope you guys are enjoying, this song is Vindicated by Dashboard Confessions**

**A little darker setting than chapter one, but hope you guys like**

**this chappy has more of a future tilt, but...i'll let you decide what ya think...mostly drabble**

**as always, I don't own em...but in my dreams I do...;)**

**On with chapter two...Vindicated**

_Vindicated- Dashboard Confessions_

_Hope dangles on a string_

_Like slow spinning redemption_

Sam can feel it, creeping, luring, moving inside him.

It's evil.

It's dark.

And it's sinking, Sam can feel it sink in him, he can feel it pulling him down into the depths where he can never breach the surface again.

He's afraid he'll take Dean with him, if he goes 'dark-side' he won't be able to return to whats good and pure in his life

Dean.

Dean is his hope, Dean is the only light Sam can ever believe to see, there's no pearly white gates and angel wings for Sam.

That was decided a long time ago and so Dean's decided with him.

There's no heavenly light for Dean either.

Because Dean swore never leaving Sam, after they broke the deal it was only going to be hellfire.

Only going to be hell on earth, and they couldn't abandone each other now.

Not when everything depended on them.

_Winding in and winding out_

_The shine of it has caught my eye_

Sam think's he can be himself again, feels his and Dean's relationship start to mend all thats been ripped apart in-between.

It's not a neat scar thats healing but it's closing the rift between them, and thats all that matters.

Sam starts to feel like a brother again.

Dean starts to feel something grow again, something between him and Sam and he likes it, actually genuinly _likes _it.

Sooner rather than later Sam starts to feel the darkness in him flee at the light he's feeling, his and Dean's bond has grown and they joke and laugh and actually take vacations now, oddly enough it _feels _normal, like hes _living_ normal with Dean.

"You think they'll notice we've dug up their rose bush..."

"Oh I don't know, i'm pretty sure their cat could've done that with the freakin' size it was...I mean did you see the way that thing looked at you, swear garfield was gonna' eat you there and then...talk about fat cat's..."

Dean's smile just makes the light he's feeling grow, like things between them feel better than ever.

Dean's even started one night stands again, and Sam's had his first-last-kiss since Dean's deal.

Things feel good, look good, even the hunt's are easier.

_And roped me in_

_So, mesmerizing,and so hypnotizing,_

_I am captivated,I am_

Things genuinley look better.

But there not, a trip to Bobby's confirms there's been an increase in demon-possessions over the last few weeks, and Bobby _feels _there's _something else _coming.

Something big and bad and new.

Way to break the silence, and skate on thinner ice.

So they get ready, they prepare this time, for anything and everything.

Because fuck it all to hell, Sam isn't dying again, and neither is Dean.

They've sworn on it, and their not about to let some up-new-comer get the drop on them.

Not now.

Not after everything they've sacrificed...to just _have _family left.

So Dean never did see it coming after everything they'd prepared for when Sam got possessed.

Again.

And Bobby and Dean both took a hell of a beating.

Again.

And from their _favourate _enemy...because they hadn't seen her in oh-so-many months.

Meg.

Queen B of hell.

_Vindicated_

_I am selfish_

_I am wrong_

_I am right_

_I swear I'm right_

_Swear I knew it all along_

But as usual Bobby had more than one trick up his bloody sleeve.

And soon, Meg wasn't exactly back in hell...but more of a permanent fixture to Bobby's living room and expertly caged this time.

Sam apologised a million times, blaming himself for every hair harmed on the heads around him, even beat himself up over the door he slammed too hard.

And after time, Dean forgave and didn't jump as much when Sam was near him.

They were brothers and after awhile things fell back into sync.

Dean finally got round to be being okay when Sam brought up possessions, they could talk about things again.

They were honest.

And again the small rip in their healing wound began to close, small stitches made way into a large patch.

And it patched over the arguments and the fall out's and even when Dean came 'home' too drunk one night and flat our punched Sam.

They healed, but they did it _together as one._

Things were working...well at least until the next obstacle crossed their paths.

_And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well_

_I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

**TBC**

**would love to know what ya thought...**


	3. This memory will never die

**Okay guys**

**chappie 3**

**this is dark, angsty sort of peice, where after season 3 finale... on the song This memory will never die by Default**

**enjoy!**

**chappy 3- This memory will never die**

Default- This memory will never die

_I whisper in your ear_

_The words you want to hear_

When Sam hears it the first time, he's afraid.

"_Sam..."_

He know's it wasn't Dean because _he_ didn't speak, he know's there's no-one else in the room, No big brother left... so it must be only him, who can hear it...right?

Sam shrugs it off to being overly-stressed with hunts and research up to his eyeballs, it's just over-active -over-used imagination.

Yeah.

Sure.

The second time Sam's hears it, he know's it's not natural...at least in the normal view of the world.

_"Sammy..."_

_You feel the wind and it reminds you_

_It happens everytime_

It starts happening more and more and Sam shrugs it off for awhile, because the nightmares are back, and he can't sleep, everythings eating at him again and the world looses it's focus for a while.

But when the voice gets louder, it _wants _to be noticed and it's yelling at to _be _noticed, only then does Sam sit down and listen.

He's tried running and getting away but that just makes it louder, more consistent.

_You stop and close your eyes_

_You can't deny what lives inside you_

Sam actually listens, on his own, in the dark, he sits and concentrates for hours, waiting and listening for that _voice._

When he hears it again, it's much much clearer and when it all finally clicks, he cries for days in the bathroom, sobbing so hard he's sick because he _knows _that voice and it all just feels like a sick joke.

_Well I know it's hard to see_

_What is meant to be_

_When yesterday is so far behind you_

Dean.

Dean is _talking _to him, but Dean's _in _hell, right?

At least thats where they thought he went...but he did, the contract had to be fulfilled...

So why is _Dean _contacting Sam...? From hell...?

_Deep inside your soul knows I'm always there_

Sam can _feel _it's Dean, he just _knows_ in a way only a brother can tell, a twin, family.

So one night, when it's been raining for days outside the motel room, Sam sits crosslegged, on the couch everything switched off, in darkness.

Sam waits. Sam listens. Sam _answers the voice...this time._

"Sammy?..."

"Dean..." he chokes at first, because holy hell...it's Dean, he thought they'd never speak again.

_You made me believe the day you surrender to me_

_The memory will never die_

So Sam talks...and he goes on for what feels like hours, and all Dean can say back is...

"Sammy, your good...you've always been good, don't ever change...don't let them change you...your good...your pure"

_The love that you gave_

_I'll never throw it away_

_The memory will never die_

Sam only realizes in an epiphany-like-state that Dean is _his _Dean, but its not the _Dean._

It's not Sam's big brother or his protecter, or the brother he loved and the only family he had left.

It's not _that _Dean.

_This _Dean is _his _conscience, his moral, his human-nature.

It's _his _inner-Dean and he's almost forgot he _had _ a soul, he _had _humanity.

But he's always needed Dean and Dean's always told him that.

Even when it's just his conscience talking, its the only Dean he has left.

**Thank for reading more to come soon!**

**TBC**


	4. Emotionless

**WOW.**

**I was literally blown away by the reviews...looks at reviews okay...theres not endless amounts, but for me and after only 3 chappies, and you guys really liked it, and i've never really wrote like this before so it's a huge slap on the back!  
Especially when I got me tech results back yesterday, cos we did an A-level a year early in tech and i got a C, so I was a bit down.  
The parents apparently knew I wouldnt do well...and basically my dad's rubbing it in my face with...mostly "your worthless..." as a comment  
how kind eh...?  
but i guess it got me in the right mood to right this fic x  
I at least hope my life has a happy ending...**

**but anyway, that aside, your reviews have lifted me into my own little heaven!**

**bgeesfan AWW thank you m'dear!  
Mimz hun, thank you a boatload!!  
Courtney, you little cracker of love, thank you!!  
Skag hun, I don't deserve your kindness, thank you!!  
Vonnie...aww HUGS! thanks a load!  
and ofcourse...Kris hun, ehh...you do make me smile love!  
ehhe**

**x**

**OK on with Chappy four- Emotionless by Good Charlotte**

**This is a little bit Emo, I gues but it's a bit of a darker song and it touches on thing most valuable in the brother's lives  
escpecially when whats most valuable can turn most vulnerable to you...Sam and Dean't thoughts and feelings..for me maybe, a bit deep...:D  
anyway peeps, ENJOY!**

**AN- fic takes place from Emeline's Pigotts fic- Blood Sport- because when Sam left home for school- it's perfect, Courts x**

_Good Charlotte- Emotionless  
Hey dad  
I'm writing to you  
That I still hate you_

Sam hadn't heard from John or Dean in the first year at Stanford, but that was sorta' self explanitory right?  
After all Sam had all but walked all over Dean to leave, and he'd...  
He'd made John mad enough to more than verbal lashings.  
His cheek still stung, so did his heart.  
John had hit Sam and that had hurt them both more than a throbbing fist and a bright red cheek.  
Sam still cried into his fists at night, odd times.  
Ocassionally.  
It became less and less.  
But it was still there.  
An ache.  
Because his family hadn't called to even ask how he was.  
Did they care?  
He was sure Dean did, but maybe Dad wasn't letting him use the phone, or maybe he'd convinced Dean too that Sam had walked out on them.  
Had he?  
He didn't hate John, did he?  
He didn't hate Dean enough to leave...no.  
He Hated so gad-damned much that he couldn't go back.  
His Dadd had said No.  
And he meant that.  
It was an order.  
'Can' disobey a direct order...it's all wrongwrongwrong'  
Well this was all wrong!  
Because Sam didn't need some smartass teacher in Stanford to tell him he was special.  
Beacause...because...Dean did.  
Had.  
Dean had always told him that.  
Not Dad.  
Dean.  
And now, he couldn't even see Dean.

_Just to ask you  
How you feel  
And how we fell apart  
How this fell apart_

"Dad...?"  
Dean had asked and asked and begged and god damn pleaded, ring Sam, call Sam, phone Sam, fucking GET Sam. Back. For. Good.  
"No, Dean. You know what choice he wanted and he's living it now, he wouldn't have left if he didn't want to...he deserves this"  
True.  
Sam didn't desere it out of spite, he genuinley deserved that life, deserved better. Maybe even better then Dean and Dad and...happy.  
But was Sam happier at some smart-straight A school than with them...  
Dean wondered sometimes if John was just too high up on his horse to see Sam just wanted a peice of normal with-in his family.  
After all the soccer practice, the spelling bee medals, the writing awards...Dad hadn't seemed proud, hadn't seemed happy.  
Maybe it was because normal made Dad think of Mom, and that was painful Dean thought.  
Maybe Dad wanted them to have a normal but he it was too chest-tightening to see it through.  
"Dad..." Dean croaked.  
"What now...?" John answered.  
"Sam just wanted you to be proud of him for something. Just once. Maybe then he wouldn't of been driven away"  
Dean set his jaw, watched the screen of emotions fold over his Dad's face.  
You've messed this up.  
You drove Sam away Dad...  
"I..." John stuttered.  
Dean half nodded, half proved himself that Sam hadn't run away. He'd been chased away. Dean slammed the door on the chevy and left.  
Just to get away for a while.  
Away from Dad meant closer to Sam.  
Somewhere in the middle, Dean thought.  
John sighed loudly.  
"I'm sorry Sammy..." And tears came to his eye's as easily as the night Sam had left.

_Are you happy out there  
In this great wide world  
Do you think about your sons  
Do you miss your little girl_

John paid for a half decent motel, saw Dean go in and shut the door.  
More like slam.  
But he'd cool off, he'd calm down.  
He always did.  
So John thought, about how special Sam really was.  
His son, the academically acheived little mop of brown hair and goo-goo eye's he'd been handed in the hospital so many years ago. Even then Sam had hair.  
Oh god. It's been years since he was born.  
Sammy had become Sam and he'd grown up.  
When had that happened...?  
John still saw Sammy in dypers and in Mary's arms.  
Is that why it made him so mad to see Sam leave...the way Mary had left him.  
But Sam was alive and in the world, and John wondered if he thought about his dad as much as John thought about him.  
"I'm so sorry Sammy..." John sobbed.

_When you lay your head down__  
How do you sleep at night  
Do you even wonder if we're alright  
But we're alright  
We're alright_

John didn't sleep at all that night, he woke around 3am and sat on the hood of the impala.  
Stared up at the skies, at the stars, waiting and wanting for that one shimmering star he could wish on.

It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried

The Stanford appartment building had a small gap under the windows where balcony's used to hang, for flower pots and plants.  
So that night when the dreams only reminded him of what he'd left Sam climbed under the small gap, his thin frame already turned bulk since he'd left, and he sat, over the railings leaning on the wall and stared and thought and lost himself in the never ending blackness above him.  
It's like loosing yourself and findinf yourself all rolled into one.  
Stars and lights shimmered above him, made him see even if you were down on life the stars were always bright, Sam blinked finally finding some peace and inhaled the cold refreashing air.  
He almost didn't miss the bright wave of light that shot across the sky, Sam followed it with his eye's and wished.  
He wished and wanted...  
Dean...  
Dad...  
Tears threatened him again and he stilled, listened to dark silence and just breathed...  
_You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not ok but we're alright_  
When John saw the whoosh of light he knew what he had to do, sighing deeply he built himself up for a fight and opened the squeaking door.  
"Where you off to...? Doing a little midnight spying..." Dean flickd his eyes to the sky.  
"Dean-" John started.  
"I saw it too..." Dean said. "I wanna' go see Sam"  
John opened his mouth, then clamped it shut.  
"I thought you'd never ask"  
The grit of gravel as the impala turned the only sound in the night.  
_I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine  
I spent so many years  
Learning how to survive_  
Funny how the sky can show you what your missing without even knowing you, without even talking to you.  
Sam just saw his family in the inky bleakness and he saw himself as a distant dot in the sky, alone and by himself.  
Right now Sam really wanted Dean.  
He wanted to shrivel up in his leather jacket and just exist in the space and time when no-one else was up and everything was down.  
But Dad would always be with Dean and Sam couldn't have Dad if Dad didn't want him.  
Of all the times growing up Sam remembered Dean taking care of him and not their father.  
He never thought John would be watching aswell, from a distance but always there.  
He just never thought...

_Now I'm writing just to let you know  
I'm still alive  
The days I spent  
So cold, so hungry  
Were full of hate  
I was so angry_

Sam's first year hadn't gone too well.  
Not in grades because they were higher and better then ever.  
But it was a moot point.  
Sam just didn't feel like it was here he was meant to be.  
A spot didn't feel filled and he had a feeling he knew why.  
"For fuck sake Dad...i've done everything for you and you won't even give me one look to say your proud. But you've never been proud have you...I'm not Dean, I'm not...your son..." Sam sniffed, eye's hidden under his arm. His teats dripped down his face and reflected the stars from above.  
"Whats the point in being who I am if you don't even except it...well i'm not Dean, and i'm not a soldier...and if you can't except that, then fine...i'll make it happen here and I..I..." Sam whispered.  
"Can I do it without you...?"  
His gaze fell on a blurred cloud covering a patch of stars, it almost looked like a sympathetic smile.

_The scars run deep inside  
This tattooed body  
There's things I'll take  
To my grave  
But I'm ok  
I'm ok  
It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried  
You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not ok but we're alright  
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine  
Now I'm writing just to let you know  
I'm still alive  
And I'm still alive_

John floored the carand felt it eat away patches of highway, closer and closer to his goal.  
"Why now..." Dean had asked and John had just replied with. "I'm ready"  
And he was.  
Something in the atmosphere had just clicked, there was only so much heart ache you could handle before you felt regret and a need to un-do what had gone wrong.  
Dean nodded.  
"You think he'll want to see us?"  
John didn't miss the way Dean said 'us' but he wasn't sure about the answer to that one.  
"If he feels it's time...then he'll see us Dean. He'll see you...I know that"  
Dean look confused him.  
"Sammy never wanted to walk away from you Dean, you've both been different since you've been apart...a dad can tell ya' know Dean"

_Sometimes I forget  
Yeah, and this time  
I'll admit that I miss you  
Said I miss you_

Sam laid his head back on the rough bricks behind him.  
It felt rough, well life was rough.  
It grounded him, made him see life with the filters off.  
Maybe running away was a bad idea...did he run away?  
Thats how it felt in the this time, this place tonight.  
He had left Dean...and Dad.  
It wasn't so bad hunting...was it?  
What was so bad you had to run away?  
A voice asked, it sounded suspiciously like Dean too.  
"I wanted..." Sam choked.  
This?...You wanted to sit on a guard rail four floors up tot stare at the sky every night?...You wanted to feel so empty inside?  
Sam shook his head.  
"I want them...back"  
Then he really did choke.  
Back a cry.

_It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried  
You broke my mother's heart  
You broke your children for life  
It's not ok but we're alright  
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine_

When the loud rumble reached his ears Sam thought the Dean-like voice was taunting him again with memories, but when the sqeal doors opened, once and then twice, Sam craned his head and listened.  
"You sure this is it?..." Rough, strained...?  
"Yeah, i've got the copy of the entry form I took..." Grinning...nervous...?  
"Hmm...nice place, he's done well..."  
Hope flared in Sam's chest, he knew that car, he knew those voices but...but...were they real?  
He brushed off the tears and climbed back in, unbolted his door and even ran down the steps to the main entrance and the double doors.  
Around that corner could be his family, whats he's long for so long.  
Panic threatened to choke him, but he needed to see them, if it was them, he wanted to be sure.

_Now I'm writing just to let you know  
I'm still alive_

_  
_  
The pattern stained souble foyer doors opened onto rippled steps and Sam's heart had never pounded so much.  
He patted on the dusty concete steps onto a larger path and walk way, straight and narrow, Sam thought he'd hyperventilate.  
Bare feet felt numb on the cold slabs, his t-shirt and joggers moved in the breeze and Sam stopped, stilled.  
The impala was parked at the bottom, two shadows moving up the walkway, roughly talking, boots echoing.  
When Sam caught eye's of the taller one the figuires stopped and he could see the lips parting.

"Sam?"  
The gasp burst out of Sam and his knee's felt weak.  
"D-dad...Dad..." He whispered.  
"Sammy?..."  
Oh God, was that Dean...  
"Dean..."  
Sam's knee's buckled and he felt onto the path, body shuddered on impact because  
Oh my fucking god...it's really them, their here.

Twp pair of feet bolted up the path when Sam fell on his knee's and a moment later, rough arms were wrapped tightly around the youngest Winchester, fists full of his t-shirt and head's buried into Sam's too long hair.  
He swore their jeans had ripped by the way they skidded to a stop in front of him.  
Sam was overwhelmed with grief and sadness and releif washed over him, leaving him feel cold and weak when the hug tightened and Sam was Sammy again.

_And sometimes I forget  
This time I'll admit  
That I miss you  
I miss you  
Hey dad_

"Oh Sammy...your okay...your alright" John repeated, Sam's face firmly planted on his chest, the shake in the boy's shoulder grew to a full on sob and his body shook with tears.  
Dean backed off for a moment, knowing this was pretty deep and he watched on in awe.  
A rift had been opened, but right now everything looked...  
Normal  
For them anyway, Dean thought.  
He felt like a family and Sam had finally realised thats what he'd been searching for.  
"D-dad..m'sorry..." Sam hiccuped. Just like he'd done at only four.  
"i'ts alright son..." John squeezed him tighter, then stood pulling Sam up with him and un-wrapped one arm for Dean to join.  
Dean tried to ignore his Dad's glassy eyes and Sam's waterlogged face.  
Then Dean squeezed Sam so close to him and felt his little brother give way to another fit of tears.  
"Dean.." Sam moaned and leaned tighter toward his family.  
Because they were a family. They were his.  
And he'd missed and wanted them for so long.  
John felt his son shiver in his arms and pulled back seeing awkardly how Sam didn't look him in the eye and how he hastilly wiped away the tears.  
"c'mon your cold, lets get inside"  
John and Dean walked toward the appartment building entrance, and shared confused looks when Sam just stood still, not following them.  
"son...? you not coming in?...it's cold..." John asked.  
"Sammy...?" Dean asked.

Sam let one last tear drop on the concrete making a bizarre kind of heart and looked up to his brother, then his dad, hands nervously fiddling behind his back.  
"let's go home" Sam whispered.  
Dean's smile couln't of been happier when Sam was back at his side, John heart clenching all the way back to the car.

_I miss you_

**ooohhhh there ya go guys, sorry for any and all errors!**

**and i'd love to know how you felt x**

**thank you guys you have really lifted me up  
;)**


	5. Promise ring

**Okay...**

**This is a shorter peice than the rest, just came out of the song and i can't shake it.**

**Dedicated odly enough to Jared Padalecki when he lost his girlfriend and fiance, and i'm guessing a pretty close friend too, i'm sorry that had to happen to you two love, so...well not that he actually LOST her...but breaks ups are never easy...sorry mate x**

**Yeah, makes the job you do that much harder... x**

**grumbles not that he'll actually read it but...gah...my sentiments go out as nice thoughts too!**

**About Sam and Dean and a brothers bond I guess, through time and how they feel to this day (in the show ofcourse, man Fi your gettin way too into these fics...) John is mentioned although I s'pose in bad light, but we all do know John is the best damn dad ya could ask for...could we have done much better wit the situations he was in??**

**smiles I know fi-fi my inner self...**

**We'll have to see what you lot make of it. Although short, my weird mind made something of it...**

**;) set with a weechester and growing up!**

**enjoy chapter 5- Promise Ring by Tremolo**

_Tremolo- Promise Ring_

_Long ago, I drew a line into the sand_

_Jumped across and held your hand_

Dean watched his dad go out once again into the night, into the dark impala that Dean had come to _hate_ as sorts, a lot of times their dad went into that strapping black stalion to do his duty as a hunter, and came back...late, hurt, angry, sad...little times did he ever get back on time.

Either to be there for Sam...or Dean at such a young age they were.

Surely a family needed a father?

Surely a family acted as a family and not an army squad.

"Yes sir. No sir"

Apart from the odd "Hey kiddo" there wasn't any ounce of love anymore that used to shine bright in his father's eyes, not since Mary...not since everyday became harder and harder.

Raising _her _children...and god dammit they looked _so _like Mary.

But John couldn't face that with the same loving innoccence anymore, and so he became the hard soldier, the Marine, the boss...and the heartache got that much more bearable.

But that much weight should never be heaved upon a child's shoulders...especially not that young.

Dean never asked for it, yet he took it all without complaint...and to 'watch out for Sammy' was never an order, it was his mantra, his job...Dean's own _choice._

_Band of gold protect us from the bitter tide_

_That comes to wash away our words with time_

Dean always showed for soccer trophe's and football try-outs when John never could...never _would._

Football and soccer and baseball and the school play was too _normal_ and normal was what Mary _had_, that never saved her.

If his boys were unprepared, they weren't ready for what lurked in the dark...what would and could hurt them.

But Dean became both worlds, he protected and served and even ordered Sammy around a bit, all in teases and jokes but he was there for when Sam needed him, when Sam wanted normal and could never have Dean was there, keeping his baby brother innoccent and average for just a little longer when the _real_ world held so much hurt and sorrow. Dean was more than a big brother to Sam and Sammy was everything to Dean.

_Hello you,_

_Hello me_

_Hello Hello,_

_can't you see_

_Love is more than what it seems_

_So I wear your promise ring_

On Sam's seventeenth birthday Dean gave Sammy a matching leather bound bracelet to his and their fathers, it meant more than being a Winchester or staying with them, as it had when John had handed Dean his first.

It was before the 'sir' and commands when the light of love still breathed around John.

It was a love in itself and in meaning and when Sam opened it, he never took it off, not even for showers or hunts as Dean never gave up his or his medalion necklace which hung in front of his heart in more ways than one.

Same as his silver ring, it was more than just a gift, just a symbol, just jewellry...it was a promise.

It was more than a brother's gift, but it highlighted their bond.

John watched from the doorway and found himself tearing up, he knew he'd made the right decision leaving his boys to grow so close, even though that chosen decision had left him feeling so isolated when he was with them.

But he knew they'd stick and they'd fight and stay together just like Mary had said.

Dean was going to be a brilliant big brother.

And John could just see how close they'd be.

**END**

**OHHH i know, what your thinking...when is she writing? what a sap ive become...well i blame the monthly cycle of all evil but i think i just needed some smoochiness i could smile over...naaaaawwwwww...**

**Right...i need a drink.**

**thanks for reading, do leave a review if you liked/hated/not sure...or if you want to kill me...:D**

**cheers!**


	6. Hands

**Hellooo**

**another limp Sam fic idea popped up for chappy 6!**

**Weve got protective Dean in this one too, cos what's not a fluffy slippered night in with hot cocoa than brotherly love...**

**Warnings: probably language...set sometime after fresh blood.**

**To the song Hands by Jewel**

_Jewel- Hands_

_If I could tell the world just one thing_

_It would be that we're all OK_

"HEY Sammy...dude, just hang on okay, it's gonna' be okay. I'm here bro your alright...nothings gonna' happen to you, okay, i'm here"

"D...ean" Sam whispered, pale face and eye's wide Dean felt his heart break a little.

Blood pooled beneath him, four wide slashes above his side and down to his adomen, deep and painful but Dean was hoping not life threatening...

Hope wasn't a value to belive in for the Winchesters, it never turned out well.

"Shit Sammy...it's not that bad...okay, we can patch this up" Dean panicked, Sam's breathing was all wrong, eye's dilated he started to shiver on the cold ground.

"H-Hurts...D'n..." Sam gasped as Dean pressed his hands over Sam's side and applied pressure, he tried to ignore the way Sam squirmed away from the pain.

_And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful_

_And useless in times like these_

"Sam...c'mon man, you've had worse than this before, right?...your gonna' be okay..."

"D'n...were...middle f' woods...s'cold..." Sam breathed in deeply, stuttered in his drawing breath and coughed, wheezing and squeezing his eye's shut.

"Sammy we can get outta' here, if you just hold on, we can make it out Sam...your just in shock, quit your emo rambling and get up!"

Dean held his hands out toward Sam, careful of theshirt he tied around the bleeding wound, "Please Sammy...don't give in"

Sam laughed, a puff of mist escaping his mouth, then he winced. "I'm not...giving in D'n...just tired...stars r'pretty...night..."

Dean glanced to where Sam was gazing and held his breath.

The stars were beautiful tonight.

"Sammy...ya' know your such a sap for this shit..." Dean breathed a sigh of relief, Sam would be fine...

"Don't worry Dean...just stay, we don't get many nights like this..."

Dean make sure the tee was secured and the bleeding had slowed before he lay next to Sam, on the hard ground. He shifted the shotguns and relaxed back.

"You mean gaze lovingly at the stars like a pair of romantic fools..." Dean batted his eyelashes. "Oh Sammy...I thought you didn't care"

Both brothers laughed.

"hhaaahhaa...haa haa ow...Dean stop it..." Sam smiled. "No but...you don't have long left right? and i'm betting were not gonna' get much time to just...be brothers...there's cases and...i've got to work on your deal..."

"Yeah Sammy...I guess hell doesn't have a sky light, ya' know in a weird kinda' way...this is nice. Open air...open heavens, no-ones dying on me right this second..."

Dean grinned suddenly and turned his head to Sam.

"If anyone walks in on us...we both fell." He waggled his finger at Sam and stared restlesly up.

After a few minutes of silence, Sam spoke up.

"You think there is a heaven...up there, above the stars...? Me and Jess used to always guess when the nights were like this, it's...relaxing to be with someone so close"

"...I bet you miss her..."

"I meant you Dean...here, now...this...it's nice"

Dean blushed. " Okaaaayyy...you've watched way too many chick flicks"

Sam scoffed.

_I won't be made useless_

_I won't be idle with despair_

_I will gather myself around my faith_

_For light does the darkness most fear_

They sat in peace for most of the night, Dean's jacket found its way over Sam to keep him warm and soon enough an orage glow replaced the blue glow of the moon and day was breaking.

_My hands are small, I know_

_But they're not yours, they are my own_

_But they're not yours, they are my own_

_And I am never broken_

Dean sighed loudly and heavily picked himself up, brushing off the dead leaves and twigs and helped sit Sam up, reaching out his hand Dean grabbed Sam's in his own remembering the small soft fingers that used to wrap around his thumb when Sam was so small.

"C'mon little brother...let's get that stitched up"

Sam stood shakily, gripping onto his brothers hands and resting his other on Dean shoulder, patting it lightly.

"Thanks...for this" Sam blinked and handed Dean his jacket back.

"Yeah..me too, it was...in a 'gay' way kinda' nice Samantha"

Dean helped Sam into the car, shut the door and walked round to his side and slid in.

"You ready for motel, or ER?"

"Motels fine, it barely even stings now..." Sam winced and Dean laughed.

"You were never a good liar Sammy, she got you good with the claw swinging action...I thought we were up against a banshee not the shredder" He chuckled to himself.

"You watch the turtles still...?" Sam smiled.

"HEY...teenage mutant ninja turtles are THEE best damn show ever, and were watching it, today! it's a TMNT marathon, thought we could rest up...catch up on the action we aren't doing ourselves"

Sam smiled despite the throb in his side. "Sounds like a plan"

When they pulled into their motel, Dean opened Sam's door, grin peaking and stretched out a hand for Sam to hold.

Sam looked at his brother's hand and thought of all the times he'd been there to just help him up.

Sam took it in hearty grip and followed his big brother into their room.

Right now, he _could_ save Dean from his deal, because Dean had done everything for him, the most impossible feats, Sam owed him at least one...

**END**

**oooooohhh lol, well that one got away from me haha would you believe i have no idea what the chappy will be until i actually start typing the AN at the top...ahha**

**love to know your thoughts...thanks guys x**


	7. timeless

**OOKKAAYYYYY...why do I always start with that?? anyway- more song fics are gonna' be up in the next few days, maybe even it might get completed**

**OMG...I'm gonna actualy complete something...well**

**You can bet on a dead bat I will probably find some excuse to not post later on...mostly I'm just not in the right mind to write...**

**:o**

**okay, on with kate havenik- timeless**

**I just love this song, quite different to the usual preferences but its addictive.**

**Short but painfully sweet...**

**hope you all like, x**

**Sam wonders about if this life was over, Dean wants to carry on...after dad**

_Kate Havenik- Timeless_

_Timeless_

_Love is a cure_

_A promise_

_Still so pure_

_Rise like the tide_

_No need to hide_

_Fearless_

_Just like before_

Sam just wanted to end it, end it all...he just wanted normal, all he'd ever wanted was normal and after Jess...how could he expect anything to ever even work out as good as he had with her.

She was everything...and like fire does, it eats everything up...after all it ate up their family and his mom so many years ago.

_Oh, here we go_

_They're all waiting for a cure_

Dean always got phyched up for the hunt, it was andrenaline pumping action that he loved, it was taking a stand and doing something for people to save them, it could've saved Mary and...maybe even Jess but they didn't know, they have to be prepared and nothings safer than to be ready...to be in the hunt.

He knew Sam would disagree, but it was the hunting that had kept Sam and himself alive for this long.

_Breathe in_

_And let go_

_I've seen_

_How you crawl_

_Let go and hover_

_Still changing colors_

_But nothing_

_Can break this calm_

Dean knew it would come to a conflict sooner or later, Sam was out to kill the demon, maybe go back to school after what happened to their dad, he didn't want to see that happen to Dean...he wanted a normal kind of safe for Dean, something where Dean could feel like he was part of something and not the dwindling family he and Sam were left of.

Sam wanted something for Dean, to be appreciated, to be loved...

Sam did love Dean, more than he ever knew but he didn't think he had the heart, or the soul to carry on with the hunt for the rest of his life...

The amount of pain and worry and endless searching was too much...to live everyday, no solid place to stay, the impala their only home.

Sam couldn't live without knowing...he couldnt live on blind faith like Dean would.

_Oh, here we go_

_They're all waiting for a cure_

_Oh, here we go_

_They're all waiting for a cure_

"Sam...dad's waiting for us, with mom and...Jess too hell, maybe we'll see them a lot sooner than you think but..stay with, fight it out with me...stay...please"

Sam's eye's shed a tear and turned to face Dean.

"You can't ask that much of me...to live like this...with nothing but more questions every day...I can't Dean...I've forgotten how this job affects me so much, it's too hard every day Dean...no"

Sam turned away, but a strong hand grabbed his shoulder.

"It's meant to be hard Sammy...we can get through it, together...c'mon Sam...whats a little longer on the roadtrip with your big brother..."

"Weve gotta' find the end to all this..."

"I've been waiting too long..."

**END x**

**haha, well...that was a little mentally challenged eh?...**

**love to know your thoughts...or murder plans...:D**


	8. It's only life

**This is another old chappy of the song it's only life by Kate voegele, which if ya listen we all need to really listen to time and again..**

**anyway, basically its a pretty ominous summary for this one**

**:their lives**

**yeah...so basically it can be anything- set from when EVIL EVIL!! Jake back stabbed Sammy...sniffs evil man...- and has anyone else seen the guy who played Jake be on the advert for twinings tea...i swear i nearly killed the first person near me...sorry bro! ya shouldn't stand so close!**

**BOO!**

**Sorry Courts...im afraid this will make ya cry too...i did...sniffs**

**AWWWW SAMMY!!...wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...**

**warning: probably my delayed shot of angst and some language...c'mon we all love it...and yeah...its kinda emo...aww what a love i am ahha**

_Kate Voegele- It's only life_

_Tears are forming in your eyes,_

"SAMMY!...NOOOOOO!"

Dean ran like hell, skidded on his knee's and caught Sam by his collar in a death grip, heart pounding in his ears, cracking, breaking, imploding...nonononononononono

Not Sammy...not now...nonoonononononononononono

Sam sagged against him, fingers finding numbness and limbs falling limp, cold began seeping into his body and the lights started to flicker and explode into tiny dusty gleams in his eye's.

"Sammy...Sam..noooo...nooo" Dean begged, he sobbed he screamed out for Sam when those hazel lids shut, a door that wasn't opening again.

Dean's heart sank, it spiked with fear and blame, loss and ache. This wasn't happening...it couldn't be...no.

_a storm is warning in the skies,_

_the end of the world it seems,_

Dean's world crashed around him, thunder echoed loudly in the background and the ground shook like his very heart, his mind flashed back to Sam's grunt of pain, tense posture then he fell...

_you bend down and you fall on your knees,_

_well get back on your feet ,yeah,_

When Dean wrapped his arms around Sam, around the hope he was still...alive, because he couldn't be gone, it just wasn't an option, how could he go on if...if...

Dean couldn't face this, nothing ever this big, this bad before...it broke him and a peive of him died with Sam.

Oh god...Sam...he did _die._

_don't look away, don't run away,_

_baby it's only life,_

_don't lose your faith,don't run away,_

_it's only life._

They carried Sam's body into the backseat and for fucks sake Dean couldn't stand the word 'body'...because it was Sam, not just anyone...not just anyone had died.

But Dean couldn't just leave, it's not one of those things you can bury and not think about the consequences...he wasn't going to bury him. Period.

Because Sam wasn't dead...no, and Dean could take care of this...but how?? how the fuck could he?...why now?...why this? Why Sam?

_you were always playing hard,_

_never could let down your guard,_

_you can't win, if you never give in,_

Dean gave in long ago for Sammy, he let Sam be the kid he never was allowed to be, he let Sam be different and to shine in his own light, not be background gows for their father, or Dean...Sam was Sammy...and now...

Sammy was gone.

And Dean broke, he broke down, he let the tears consume him for hours staring at Sam and just letting the heartache and pain take over...

Just this once when Dean let the tears come...they didn't stop.

_to that voice within, saying pick up your chin,_

_baby let go of it , yeah,_

_don't look away, don't run away ,_

_baby, it's only life._

_don't lose your faith, don't run away,_

_baby it's only life.(repeat)_

He didn't even feel anything until he sat so close to Sam, when he'd usually hear him breathing, he heard no heartbeat and no breath...no life in his baby brother's body and that felt so _wrong_, Sam was supposed to be alive...just like their dad. Dean wasn't about to let himself feel like that again...Sam deserved better...

Dean knew what he had to do, what he had to give...the next thing he was driving to go know's where.

_take your hesitance, and your self defense,_

_leave them behind, it's only life,_

_don't be so afraid of facing every day,_

After Dean made the deal, he didn't feel any different, he didn't feel better like he thought he would...

Dread overcame him when he thought just for a second, maybe the demon lied...maybe all of this was a trick with his emotions...maybe Sam was still...

"Oh no..."

Dean sped back to their room, an offhand never used shack...Sam had to be alive.

Because Dean had tried so hard.

He couldn't fail again.

_just take your time, it's only life,_

_i'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone,_

"Sammy..." breath caught in his throat, Sam was alive...he was walking, he was up... "SAM!"

Dean grabbed his brother close, felt the heat and life beat beneath his hands as Dean held him, everything was right again...he could feel it.

_just hold on tight,it's only life,_

_oh..don't look away, don't run away,_

Dean didn't let go until Sam coughed and gasped as the still raw pain in his back.

"Dean?" He wheezed and Dean thought it was the most wonderful sound...

Wheezing was okay, wheezing meant pain but at least there was pain to be felt...felt by something alive.

_baby it's only life,_

_don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby, it's only life (repeat),_

_it's only life, it's only life,_

_don't look away..._

On the drive over to Bobby's Dean had never felt so good, his brother was back, everything was okay and he even had the car, rock tracks on in the background, even Dean got the flash of dimples when Dean pulled a joke and the warm flutter Dean felt when Sam smiled at _him_ and said:

"Thanks Dean...for getting me out of this one, I know it had to rough..."

Dean nodded, although strained. "Yeah...but you know i'd do anything for ya' Sammy...nothing bad will happen to you...again, anyway"

Dean grinned.

And just like that, their lives were back on...

**End**

**yep im a sucker for fluff...naaawww lol ehhe happy reads guys!- sorry if i dont get back to you, my alerts aren't working i don't know when people review aahhh...omg...it better alert me on new fics...AAHHH**

**x**


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